So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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