I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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