I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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