Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize