If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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