Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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