Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
