So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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