Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
