Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
