Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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