I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
