omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
