Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
