i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
