Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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