i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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