Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
