the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
