the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
