Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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