Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
