Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
