these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
