so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
