My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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