I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
