also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
