when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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