Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
