Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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