My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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