god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
