My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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