she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
