I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just threw up on my dentist
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
