You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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