toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I touched a dick in church today
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
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