does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
