one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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