you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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