I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
