i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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