literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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