I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
soo... how was my night?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
