my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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