I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
