70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
