Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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