Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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