you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
