Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
