I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
