i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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