My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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