I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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