He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
