i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
