Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
