why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
